Somber Moment of Reflection

I will Love You by Fisher

‘Til my body is dust
’til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
‘Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

Chorus:
But I need to know – will you stay for all
time…forever and a day
Then I’ll give my heart ’til the end of all
time…forever and a day

Chorus

‘Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you…

~end

Nuff said…

Less than 3 months

Well, now there s less than 3 months until I see my little bundle of joy. It is a rather surreal experience to have this little person inside of me who has rightfully earned the name “wiggle worm.” She moves around quite a bit. Actually, I felt her move at 16 weeks and, being my first pregnancy and the fact that not many feel anything so soon, people didn’t believe me.

I would hear things like, “Oh, that can’ t be it, I didn’t feel mine until…” But we must remember that every pregnancy is different, and let me just say that it has been questioned how far along I really am because she is long, strong, and active. In other words, I have the bionic baby. lol.

For instance, the ultrasound that determined the sex was an eventful one. She knew something was going on; she had to. The tech kept saying, “Wow, she moves really fast” and would say, “Hold still baby and let us see your face.” The tech commented on how active she was during that time and incredibly fast in her movements. She was hard to keep up with! I then had to have another ultrasound a week later (long story due to a mix up somewhere), and that tech also kept saying, “Wow, she is fast and has very long legs. Are you sure you’re 25 weeks?” I reassured her that we had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and our little peanut was a 7 week peanut. Let me tell ya…it is something to see that little peanut that doesn’t look like much and then the next time you get to see your baby she is a little human being.

Kaleigh sucks her thumb, which was seen at both of the last ultrasounds. She also kicked back at one point with one of her hands behind her head and her legs kicked up. You can see those ultrasound pictures below.

It’s an amazing thing to me. I mean, I was sick the first 20 weeks of the pregnancy. I kept being told that after the first 14 to 16 weeks I should be okay, but I ended up losing approximately 17 pounds. I had the flu at 8 weeks and then had “all the time” sickness. There was no “morning sickness” about it. At this point I have only gained back 2 pounds, but I am eating very well. I’m eating healthy. Nevertheless, she is perfect. She is longer than she should be, has chubby cheeks, an amazig heartbeat. My not gaining much weight has not hurt the development process at all because, despite the fact I was so sick, I would force myself to make sure I ate as much healthy food as I could stand to make sure she got what she needed. Now that part is a bit effortless since the sickness stopped.

However, I don’t really sleep. I can’t. A back injury about 2 1/2 years ago has made the pregnancy even harder on my back than a pregancy already is. I deal with a lot of that while I sleep and I can’t stop peeing. Kaleigh loves my bladder because she is always on it. Yes, I am being blunt, but if you’ve ever been pregnant you probably know what I’m talking about.

But overall it is going well. She moves a lot and sometimes at the least convenient of times, but I am thankful for every movement. It makes me smile to feel her getting closer to my ribs or hitting my left side and then suddenly hitting the right. And the love for her is just amazing…from Joe and I both. He talks to her, tries to hear her heartbeat, kisses my belly. He is going to be such a wonderful dad and I love that he is already bonding with her. He is absolutely in love with his “daddy’s little girl,” which is what he was hoping for when we didn’t know the sex and now he will have that. I was hoping for a girl as well, but we would’ve still been happy with a boy. All we ever wanted was a healthy baby. Being married for 7 years (in August) and both of us pushing 30…it’s about time.

So I just can’t wait to meet my daughter. I love her more every single day, which is surreal when I don’t know whose features she has, what her hair color is, what color her eyes are, or anything of the sort…but she is my daughter. I have less than 3 months now until I get to finally lay eyes on this beautiful and very active baby girl I’ve now carried under my heart for the past 27 weeks.

Until next time ….🙂

Newness

Today has been a somewhat interesting day, but I am actually not going to grace you with all of the details other than my back is killing me. Little Kaleigh knows how to give her momma a workout and to think that she gets to do it a few months in the womb and the rest of my life out of it. HA HA

So I have created a new page called “Poetry and More.” I’m not sure what the “More” is yet because, well, I’m thinking it’ll be some of my essayish stuff. Then again, I may make a separate page for that stuff. Anyway, those are just some of the 300 poems I’ve written throughout the years, so enjoy them as I post them. I’ll find some clever way to archive them so that you’re not scrolling for an eternity to get through them. But for now they will stay where they are.

So in hopes that your day was much more interesting than mine, I wish for you a great day and may it be everything you want it to be.

Life Lessons

I don’t think I have learned more than what I have this year. I mean, I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, but much of that is superficial. Sure, it’s great to be 29 and running a business out of my home and doing it successfully, but our careers don’t entirely define us for who we are.

However, I think I have finally figured some things out.

It sort of happens when you find out that you’re going to be a parent and you have to step back and evaluate EVERYTHING. But, in turn, you start to see things a little deeper and you find an appreciation for things that you have and those that you’ve lost. There is pain in appreciating those things and people that are gone, but then you realize that even if they are not there now, they were there in the past for a reason. You can wish and will them to come back, but just have to resolve yourself to the fact that it may not be the right time and that things will happen in due time if they’re meant to. That provides a lesson in faith…one that I fear in some cases may last me for the remainder of my life.

The result? The hope is both comforting and daunting at the same time.

But sometimes things can’t be the way we want them, people can’t be who we want them to be, we can’t remain in someone’s life if they don’t want us to be there, we can’t fix mistakes that we have made in the past that have hurt others, and sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to.

All we can do is have faith in the fact that the situation at hand is exactly what it is supposed to be, even if it doesn’t suit us at the moment. Down the road, looking back, the reason becomes clear. When people can’t be who we want them to be, there is a good chance that they are not who they want to be and they are working on it. But who are we to define a person for them? When someone throws us out of their life, we have to reluctantly accept their wishes despite how much it hurts. As for the past, we can only hope that the apologies for past indiscretions are heard, even if we can’t find the strength to open our lips and say what needs to be said. And even when things don’t work out the way we want them to, we have to realize that they are working according to a plan and that the outcome is much better than the alternative.

Oh, but then there is forgiveness. This is a hard one. There are times when we have to suck it up and talk to those who have hurt us; to tell them how they hurt us instead of avoiding them at all costs because they’ve done something that we  PERCEIVE as unfavorable. Even if it is unfavorable, I, for one, do understand that sometimes people don’t realize what they’re doing when they do it. It may seem like it’s okay or it is fine at the time, but looking back you find that it wasn’t so okay and then you start to dwell on something that was long gone and beat yourself up over your own ignorance. However, in my situation I was young and dumb and was more “in the moment” rather than looking back and ahead and evaluating details surrounding the situation. Yes, I made a huge mistake and it cost me BIG.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have done a lot of forgiving in these past months. Not only have I done it for the sake of my unborn child, but for my own sake as well. I realize that forgiveness is warranted because life is short and it’s the right thing to do. I’ve learned that when someone knows they have been wrong and they feel guilty about it, your forgiveness has a lot of power. When they know that you know what they did and you tell them that you forgive them for those things, the entire world changes and things are renewed. That’s why I finally have the relationship with my dad that I have craved my entire life. And that’s why my daughter is going to have the grandpa that she deserves. Things happen in due time and that time finally came when the past was put aside by not only me, but my dad and my entire family.

This is not saying that I have forgotten about the past. I will never forget and there are some hard feelings in some places. But I’m working on it and for once I am feeling normal and leveled out. I have a relationship with my family, I love my husband, I have a daughter on the way, I have amazing friends (my extended family), and I have a career that I built on my own. However, I have one hole that I’m still working on; that I pray about quite frequently. Although my heart has been mended in some ways, it is still broken in one.

But again, this is life and it was not meant to be easy.

So if you got anything from this, use it. I’m not sure of what kind of insight I can offer others through my own experiences, but I hope it’s something. Just make sure you hold your loved ones close, forgive those who do not know what they’re doing at the moment, be nice to strangers, and simply be yourself.

Wow…it has been a while

Yes, it has been a while since I posted. I think I might revamp this blog. However, I’m still a rambling madwoman no matter what.

Gimme a break…I like to talk.

Anyway, it has been 5 months since I’ve posted. I found out 5 days after my last post that I was 4 weeks pregnant. At this moment I am almost 26 weeks and found out almost two weeks ago that we are having a baby girl. Her name is Kaleigh Rose and she is already beautiful. She is very active too.

What’s freaky is that I still weigh less than I did when I got pregnant because I came down with the flu at 8 weeks and thought I would die because I couldn’t take anything. I was very ill for two weeks, hit a temp of 103 for about 3 days out of that, and lost a total of 10 pounds. Fortunately that whole ordeal didn’t cause her any harm.

Anyway…being faced with motherhood here in just three months has put a lot of things into perspective. For those who listen to the radio show who have not given up on this blog, Haullie and I postponed it until further notice. We put a lot of sweat and tears into that show, but sometimes things do change. I’ve also been focusing on preparing for my daughter to arrive. Sometimes those things that are important to us one moment have to be put on the backburner and this was one of those things.

As for another book…I’m on hold with that as well. I will tell you, though, that when it is written, it will be amazing. Yes, I know what it is going to be and it is going to be different than what I led you all to believe before. And I’ll make sure that this one doesn’t take 8 years🙂

On the family front, I have reconnected with my dad and his side of the family. My dad is being more communicative with me, which is what I needed. He is taking initiative and is very excited about his granddaughter. On a sad note, one of my aunts is struggling from a brain tumor, so she needs prayers.

As for the situation with my friend, nothing has happened there. Time makes things a little better, but when someone is a part of your life for so long it is hard to not miss them. Still, I have not experienced anger over it. However, I have experienced an emotion that I don’t think I have ever experienced in my life and it’s more in the category of still caring and loving her despite the fact she removed me from her life. However, I am sure she is going on with her life and is relieved that I’m not a part of it. That’s a very painful thing to say, but I’m sure it’s true and I am working on accepting that. And yes, it is hard not being able to share the pregnancy with her. I was so excited, but in the midst of telling everyone she was what was missing.

But overall I’m good and excited about my baby girl coming into the world. My business is still doing well despite the recession. I feel very fortunate that the Internet marketing industry is still flowing nicely. I have also managed to balance my life better so that I’m not constantly working and making time for real life. I’ve come to appreciate those in my life more than ever at this point and I must say that 2009 has brought many lessons my way. That’s for the next blog post, which you may not want to miss. I’ll post it this weekend.

As for this one, it’s just too dang long. Bless you if you made it this far into this blog to read about my crazy boring life.🙂

May you hold your family close, embrace your friends, forgive, love, say what you need to, and enjoy every moment you have because you never know when this moment may be your last with words that will remain unspoken for an eternity.

Those You Least Expect

I just needed to throw this post in here because something has been weighing on my mind:

There has been a rape trial going in within my community. The accused was convicted of the crime, which was raping a 9-year-old.

This girl had told adults who didn’t believe her and these adults have accused other adults of putting this stuff in her head. However, we all know that the media doesn’t give us all of the details that occur during a trial.

However, there are people on a local newspaper’s site who were commenting about how “he could never do something like this.” But that’s just it…the people who do these things are the very people we think would never do them. It’s the perfect disguise. If we could identify a child molester, then there would be none on the streets. The fact of the matter, though, is that we can’t identify them because they look like everyone else walking down the sidewalk. They are in our churches, in our schools, standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, and even fighting crime.

Then all of a sudden, a child is accusing a well-known individual of molesting them and all of a sudden the whole community says, “That child is a liar” when that child knows things a child should never know.

In this case, there was physical evidence that the child had been molested. There had been physical damage done. The grandmother tried to say it happened before the child had lived with them, but the child had lived with them since she was a  year old.

However, “There is still no way this man could have done this…the child is lying…everyone who said that they witnessed strange events are lying.”

I mean, I know that there have been false accusations in the past, which is what makes these cases really rough. However, there was evidence and there were witnesses.

And what’s crazy is that there was a teacher in my area accused of sexual misconduct with two students. The whole community accused the girls of lying.

But you know what?

He plead guilty a week ago.

So we need to listen to our kids. When they come to us with something like this, the first thing to do is believe them. It is easy for some people to pretend that they never heard it and brush it away, but that is probably one of the reasons why so many people grow up to be screwed up. Something bad happened to them, but the very adults that vow to protect them “let it slide.”

Until next time…

Dizzy

Wow, this year has been so odd so far. I was bound and determined that this was going to be a better year and so far it just blows.

I mean, New Years Eve I lose someone very special to me. That was strike one because I spent the first week of my year crying and I do occasionally get a little whimper in me when I really feel like talking to her like I used to. I loooong and I craaaave for everything to be okay. But I know that is just a normal reaction.

Business has been good, but I’ve been relaying more of it to my writers than to myself for the fact that I’ve been too distracted over being distraught. I’m slowly getting better with it and picking up the pace, but it just really blew on so many different levels.

I know that sometimes we just can’t make sense out of some of the things that happen in our lives. I have always tried to have a pleasant existence, but something always seems to happen that takes the pleasantry out of it. You’ve probably heard me refer to myself as the “Queen of Sabotage” in past posts. Well, that’s what I feel like. I feel like had I done things differently in the past, my present wouldn’t hurt so bad. Again, I’m sure this is normal. But is it necessary? Is this whole mess necessary? I am so sick of feeling like my head is in a plastic bag because I want things to be okay. Am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? I call it the plastic bag of regret. Maybe if the dialog were different that day I wouldn’t feel like I am suffocating.

Okay, I know I dissect this situation over and over and it isn’t going to do me any good. That is one area in my life where I feel like a loser. I feel like a failure because I feel like I failed my friend. I can’t be mad at her, but I feel like in a way that she wanted me to feel this way; like she was telling me that I deserve it without actually saying it. Sometimes it is what is not spoken that screams the loudest. One part of me says, “she wants you to feel this way” and another part says, “She would never want you to feel this way.”

But hey, my best friend and I went to Cincinnati last night to see Ron White in action and it was great. The guy that opened for him was funny, Ron White was funny, and the fact that the guy next to me didn’t crack a smile was funny. My poor best friend was practically in my seat because the guy sitting next her was practically in hers. The seating is horrid at Taft Theater. The seats are not made for people whose hip measurements exceed a certain number. YOU WILL GET BRUISED!!!

But if you want to see Ron White, he is funny.

And I also had a great time at church this evening. I go to a class called “Journeys” on Saturday nights and it is awesome. It is comfortable, it is fun, and we all talk after the lesson. I mean, it is cool. I enjoy it and I’m glad that I went that first time a couple of months ago. I grew up in that church, but never have I felt this good in it.

I know, I know. Everything is not bad. My existence is not consistently pleasant, but who does have a consistently pleasant existence? I just hate the crap, but everyone hates their crap.

What a paradox life can be.

Until next time…

I Had a Dream

I had a dream last night. It disturbed me and it also made me feel better. What’s crazy is that no matter how disturbing it was, I didn’t want it to end because of the part of it that was good. I think this just shows how much I desire good things no matter what other crap surrounds it.

If you read back to the posts at the beginning of January, you will see that one of my dearest friends stepped out of my life. I have had a lot of bad things happen in my life, but never has my heart been broken that bad. But then I only have myself to blame even though I was stupid about things in the past that led to this. I can’t believe how dumb and irresponsible I was. I can’t believe any of it. I made mistakes when it came to my friend and although things changed and I am a different person, she still felt it necessary to go on without me. I respect that she did what she feels she needs to do.

But I sat there that day and I rationalized why it wasn’t so bad, such as us not talking so much anymore anyway. But what hurts is I do miss her. Even if it was just talking to her through an IM…I miss her. I miss looking forward to the next time I will see her. I actually miss that hint of irritation in her voice when I called at a bad time. I miss her telling me that she was proud of something I did. I mean, this is a person that God put in my path to literally save my life over a decade ago. And now she’s gone.

But in my dream, something horrible was happening in the world, but all of a sudden she was there and we talked and suddenly everything was okay. Everything was put in the past and only the present was what mattered because mistakes happen. Things just happen. Sometimes we don’t realize what we’re doing at the moment, but it’s when we realize later that hurts.

I wish I could change things because, and I know this is going to sound weird, but I always said I could love certain people in my life unconditionally. I’ve just never really been in a situation where I have and now I am because it is hard to not have a love for a person, despite the pain that has been brought about, when that person has been such an incredible influence on your life. I suppose I was always lucky because I did cause her pain in the past, not realizing what I was doing at the time, but she always loved me no matter what. I guess luck just runs out over time.

But I deserved it…I know.

I just wish things were different. This whole thing hurts me really bad, but I know that it’s not my pain that matters in the whole deal. I wish there was something that I could do. In my dream, I felt so good that she came back that I didn’t care the world was ready to blow up around me.

So I wonder what that dream means?

Until next time…

Have I Had My Head Stuck Up My…

Actually, you could say it has been busy.

I haven’t written in a while because work has been a bit nuts. If you don’t know, I work out of a home office in my home doing freelance writing and Internet marketing. I schedule myself pretty well, but sometimes things get a little nuts and here is why it did this past week:

  1. I was having Internet issues part of the week
  2. I had some administrative tasks that had to be done
  3. We had 3 large projects overlapping each other
  4. I had writers who were late on their work, so now I am penalizing them for missed deadlines.
  5. My power went out on Saturday and 2 of my writers working on one of those projects lives in the same area as me. I went elsewhere, but they couldn’t. So I had limited resources and was missing two writers.

Finally, everything straightened itself out late on Monday night. Now I’m having a good week.

Some people say, “Oh wow…you work at home…you can do whatever you want.”

What’s funny about that statement is that it is not exactly true. My husband can say to me, “Let’s go to the store” and I have to say, “I can’t because I have X amount of work that needs to be done by such and such deadline.” I literally sit at the computer for around 12 hours per day, but I love it. I love work. I don’t get a day off whenever I want like people think because I have certain deadlines that I have to meet.

But here are some things I do get to do that I wouldn’t get to otherwise:

  • With enough advanced notice, I can travel a little more. No, I can’t just drop everything and go. I have to have everything caught up before I can go.
  • I pick up my best friend’s daughter from school each day, which is awesome to me.
  • I can get something to eat when I want as long as I’m not running too tight with a deadline.
  • I don’t have to tell anyone when I’m going to the bathroom.
  • I can have food and open containers at my desk (although I ruined a laptop with water this way about a year ago).
  • I get to see my pets all day.
  • I am always here if an emergency situation comes about.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

One of the downfalls, other than 12 hour days, is that I don’t get a consistent paycheck, but at least I’m not struggling to pay my bills. I also don’t get benefits, which is something that I do need. I’m sure there is something we can work out.

Another downfall is that I don’t really get to take a break when I’m sick. If there is a deadline, it has to be met. So I will sit here with my tissues, cough drops, throat spray, and cold medicine and work away. Only twice in the past year have I been too sick to sit at my computer and get the work done. And this is being counted in full days…not partial days where I have had a migraine.

So yes, this takes a lot of discipline. I’m at home, I am at my computer which has a hundred thousand distractions, and I could come and go as I please. But if I want to pay my bills, I can’t do that. Plus I oversee approximately 15 other individuals who do work for me, so it is a non-stop job. Even on a day off, I have to do some sort of work. That means I don’t really get a day off.

And when you work at home, your work space is your area of stress. That is why it is good to keep your work in one room or one location. That way you can go to bed at night and not feel like you want to smother yourself with the pillow.

And that is a look into my work world.

Until next time…

Speechless?? How does that happen?

I feel sort of speechless tonight. I mean, I’ve been working all day long…slower than I wanted to because there is so much work to do. I’m going to have to book it over the next couple of days.

Anyway, wish me luck on that.

In the meantime, I have done a lot of thinking today as well…about my life. I’m always thinking about my life, trying to pull myself out of the sludge that is my past more or less. It is amazing how the past is not physical, but how it is so real because it shapes who we are. The memories are real, the sensations are real, and the panic is real. It is just incredibly nuts.

I try not to let it get me down for the fact that I can’t do anything about it, but what issues it causes. It is quite amazing the things that come about because of the past. We think about how we were hurt, how bad it hurt, and we wonder what we did to deserve that hurt. Most of the time, we did nothing to bring it upon ourselves. It was some sort of terrible force working against us because we were good. Bad wants to take advantage of good and that is sort of what it is.

But, I’ve been thinking about this. I think about my friends, the family that claims me, and everything I have in my life and I’m thankful.

Anyhoo…

I really wasn’t all that speechless. Neato!!

Until next time…

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